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Sometimes I replenish my whiskey bottles with water
And swirl it around. I drink up
To make sure I didn’t miss a single drop of that alcohol.
Diluted or not, I ache for it.

Grief.

But not as much as I ache for you.
I would rinse you out and sip all of your insides.
Then I would drag your skeleton out of your skin.
Help me. Worm your way free.

Grief,

My love.

I would jumble our bones together. Mix us up.
Not so we would be two with replaced bones.
No, I want us to have four arms, four legs. I want,
I want us to have two heads and a long twisted spine
Of vertebrate upon vertebrate.
I want us to clank out hollow sounds
When we come rambling along.
Our ribcages would be split and spread.
No longer cages, but wings of rib bones.
Your hips would jut against mine
And our fingers would intertwine.

Grief,

My love,

Never leave.

Our skin would not go to waste,
Oh no.
Instead, we would tear them to shreds
And weave them together.
We could nest on them.
With all our empty bottles.
I couldn't sleep for all the wakefulness. So I wrote this poem. I'd steal the bones for my own, but I thought I'd ask first. I'm jumping your bones, *linaket.

*goes back to sobbing and cuddling an empty Jameson bottle*
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-01-28
:icontalesmith:
I'm not much of a poet, but I do love writing and found your piece to be both romantic and wonderfully dark which is a bit of a new twist for me.

I loved the repetition of the word Grief. It acted as a nice little transition for the rest of your poem.

There were only two lines of your whole piece that struck me as not quite fitting with the rest of the language you used.
"No, I want us to have four arms, four legs. I want,
I want us to have two heads and a long twisted spine".

It's only two lines so it's not that jarring, but they don't quite have the allure of the rest of the poem. I mean, "wings of rib bone?" How do you even think of that? That's both beautiful and dark and creepy at the same time.

Honestly, this was a really interesting piece. Good job.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconhfeather53:
This is phenomenal!
The pacing of this poem is perfect. It drags you along and catches your breath in your throat at all the right places.

I love that you make your ache tangible. I can feel it in my chest when I read. I feel like I've swallowed glass and my throat aches.

The idea that two can become one in such a manner is artistry at its best. I get the most beautiful aching images of this. Superb imagery. I can picture every bit of the two becoming one beautiful fulfilled creature. (and perhaps a bit terrifying but what is life without a bit of ugly every once in a while?)

If I had to pick one thing to improve on (because I feel like I have to since this is my failed attempt at a critique)...
I would jumble our bones together. Mix us up.
Not so we would be two with replaced bones.


I would change the first bones with skeletons or something. I don't like the two "bones" used so closely together. (=

Fantastic piece <3
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconworldwar-tori:
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014   General Artist
:wave:  I just wanted to let you know you've been featured in Awesome Art II!
Have a great day Little Pixel Heart
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014
Thank you! :tighthug:
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:iconworldwar-tori:
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014   General Artist
you're welcome :huggle:
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:iconfangirl-gone-hyper:
FanGirl-Gone-Hyper Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Eerily beautiful.
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:iconcblushplz: Thank you.
Reply
:iconthestoragegnome:
TheStorageGnome Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014
Perfection. :heart:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
NO YOU.
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:iconworldwar-tori:
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014   General Artist
This is amazing;
I love the imagery and descriptions;
it all pieces together so perfectly
and makes a sense to me that I understand..

I don't think I've ever thought this about poetry so much as I wish I could draw well
because it paints such a perfect image in my head, which is awesome.

Congratulations on the DD, very well deserved :heart:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
Thank you, thank you thank you! :la:
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:iconworldwar-tori:
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014   General Artist
You're welcome :heart:
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:iconcmdrawings:
Cmdrawings Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014
Very lovely. I love rereading it over and over..
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:heart: Thank you.
Reply
:iconlexis-andpals:
Lexis-andPals Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
mildly gruesome, (um mildly? oh well) but hauntingly beautiful.
congratulations on the DD! :love:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:tighthug: Thank you!
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:icondarijii-chan:
Darijii-Chan Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Student Artist
Beautiful c: The Daily Deviation is deserved -u-
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:eager: Thank you!
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014   Writer
Congratulations, my beeutiful lovely. ♥
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:icongwompplz: Thank you, dearest.
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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014   Writer
:smooch: Anytime, gorgeous. <3
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:icontruthistruth:
TruthisTruth Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on the Daily Deviation! :clap:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:eager: Thank you!
Reply
:icontruthistruth:
TruthisTruth Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome!
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:iconsammywammy123:
sammywammy123 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Student General Artist
This is really cool. It's very creative and the imagery is really precise. I love it!
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
Thank you! :la:
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:iconsammywammy123:
sammywammy123 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Student General Artist
mhm :) nah thank YOU
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:iconrobson666:
robson666 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist
congratulations to the well deserved Daily Deviation Clap Clap
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:iconlawooplz: Thank you!
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD, i loved it! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :party:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014
Thank you! :la:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure! :hug:
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:iconxxcinnamon-sunxx:
xXcinnamon-sunXx Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014
I have a penchant for morbid-lovely poetry, and this was deliciously satisfying to devour.  Well done. 
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
:iconimveryhappyplz: Thank you.
Reply
:icona-la-douce-memoire:
a-la-douce-memoire Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013  Professional Writer
Oh my gawd! So I found you through the page of the community person who featured my DD (I have no idea how this works. I'm bad at internets), and his page said "read this shit it's awesome!"

I did! It is awesome! I know that feeling, both with my love affair with alcohol and with failed love affairs, desperate to take in the last drop, to bleed it dry and soak up every bit of it before it inevitably becomes 'empty.'

Absolutely love this! Instant fanboy status!
Reply
:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013
^GrimFace242 is a dastardly fiend and should be ignored in most cases. :paranoid: Except I am awesome! :la:

Thank you! :eager: I always wanted a fanboy of my own. 
Reply
:icona-la-douce-memoire:
a-la-douce-memoire Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Professional Writer
well now you have one. Although I am also a dastardly fiend and should probably be ignored.

>w>

I didn't need anyone else to tell me to know you're awesome! I just needed to be pointed in the right direction ^^
Reply
:iconinknalcohol:
inknalcohol Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013   Writer
I am not dastardly.  And I've certainly been called worse than a fiend.:grump:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013
Who sent you an invite? D: <
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:iconinknalcohol:
inknalcohol Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
You did!  When you mentioned my name!
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:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely.
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013
:heart::heart:heart: Thank you.
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Student Writer
Disturbing and haunting in its own beautiful way. Well done.
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013
Thank you! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconreallylostmymind:
ReallyLostMyMind Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Writer
The metaphors in this really stand out to me, and the image of two skeletons, two people becoming one was extremely powerful. When I read the lines "Our ribcages would be split and spread. No longer cages, but wings of rib bones." I froze up for a second and just saw the genius of using the word cage to describe it, and connecting it to wings. That feeling of breaking free from a cage, and flying away, it swept me away.
The morbid feel to it was fantastic, it intertwined with the romance perfectly.
Altogether, I might just spend the next half hour reading it over and over again. It was wonderful.
Reply
:iconmeganlawler94:
MeganLawler94 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm really loving the whole "dark love poem" vibe that I'm getting from reading this. One usually thinks they're going to read a sappy love poem, but this wonderfully captures the other side of love. Your imagery and metaphors really speak volumes about the love that is being described, and about the desire and longing to have the person you love. And what you'd do to them :eyes:

Overall, it's a wonderful piece!
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012   General Artist
Thank you for this wonderful read and congratulations on the DLD! :huggle:
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
:eager: Thank you!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012   General Artist
You are so very welcome, lovely! <3
Reply
:iconsubjugatedsandwich:
SubjugatedSandwich Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is both beautiful and dreamlike. It seems like the kind of untethered romantic notion that could only come to the mind of one so inebriated.
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:icontheterrorofthedeep:
TheTerrorOfTheDeep Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
:shifty: I may or may not have been in a drunken state when it was written, yessssss.
Reply
:iconpossumfan:
PossumFan Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Mmm... Jack D.... <'3 Oh, um, great work here! ^_^u

*Is now a tad thirsty...* ._.

+ fave
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